Weed of Life - A tryst with Vikas
I don't really know from where or how should I start this? Its been quite frequently now that I have been missing blogging sessions and daily reporting of events and happenings of life (read them mishappenings) I have lost touch of my language for sure, that same tone where I could combine words of the world to form such complex sentences people could hardly understand. This year dint began pretty well either. An eye surgery, disturbed career prospects and separation from my own heart. The devil I knew found dark tunnels to hide his face inside me. Neither the angel I pretended to be could do any justice to humanity. Ignorance is not a total bliss, agreed.
I had a good amount of Holi-special drink (bhaang) yesterday. It was meant to be one day. A tryst with the ugly truth. A lie I am.
I began feeling a sensation in my feet after about 30 mins of consumption. My feet were pushing me forward, as if they wanted to run. I enjoyed that feeling. By the time I reached the bus stop, I was already out of my body. Initially, I felt like a part of an HD movie, each and every moment resembled a 3D movie motion, the world had slowed down and eased. With head phones in my ear, I could tap my feet and hands to all the songs I could hear. Unbelievably, the tapping was so synchronised as I was musically talented since birth. Everything except the mind was gone, literally, as if I never had a body.
The thing that weed makes you to do is forget time. You really dont care about time. All you have is you and your thoughts. Good thoughts. Bad thoughts. Worse thoughts. But the most important feature of it, it reveals "You".
I am pointing down few things I learnt during these 3 hours of calmness and turmoil. I barely remember much but here are they:
I Fear, I Tremble and I am Weak: I took a round of the park twice. While walking, the track felt like a descending path into the darkness. I saw two shadows moving towards with me. The only thought I had was that its the end of me today. I will be killed. Murder! Murder! I wanted to scream. Dont kill me please! I couldnt. They passed by. It was a couple - a husband wife duo having a post dinner walk possibly. As they passed, another one came. I feared life again. "This time I would be killed definitely". I was shaking. Nothing happened.
Two pet dogs let loose by their owners had surrounded me. I dint move. I just trembled standing still. I was certain they will bite me. They never did.
Half a kid, less of a boy, never a Man: I called people. One. two. three. May be six. Nobody picked up my call. I had to go somewhere else but I was helpless. I had no body - neither my own nor a person alongside - as if I was still lying as an embryo in my mother's womb. Helpless. Waiting. I failed to be a man, think like a man and behave like a man. I wasnt even a boy. I am an unborn 26 year old. Dead before death.
Full of Hate, Vying Revenge: As souls began appearing on road, metro station and coach, I felt killing some and hitting some. A power urged me to hit or kill. When they came close, I could not move. Once they passed by, feelings revived again.
I vomited, drooped, moved waywardly but didn't allowed myself to fall. Somehow I continued the tryst with me. It was a necessity. I needed to know who I am. I am a lie. A lie to myself but truthful to others. Several times I tried to grow but failed. At times when boys of my age discuss insurance plans, investment schemes and future, I ignored and escaped. At times when boys my age discuss career, marriages and children, I discussed cricket and cartoons. At times when boys my age are men, I descended to being an unborn kid.
I have woken up today. I will change this all. If not, I will die trying. I need a life for myself. It should be me. One. United. Me.
I had a good amount of Holi-special drink (bhaang) yesterday. It was meant to be one day. A tryst with the ugly truth. A lie I am.
I began feeling a sensation in my feet after about 30 mins of consumption. My feet were pushing me forward, as if they wanted to run. I enjoyed that feeling. By the time I reached the bus stop, I was already out of my body. Initially, I felt like a part of an HD movie, each and every moment resembled a 3D movie motion, the world had slowed down and eased. With head phones in my ear, I could tap my feet and hands to all the songs I could hear. Unbelievably, the tapping was so synchronised as I was musically talented since birth. Everything except the mind was gone, literally, as if I never had a body.
The thing that weed makes you to do is forget time. You really dont care about time. All you have is you and your thoughts. Good thoughts. Bad thoughts. Worse thoughts. But the most important feature of it, it reveals "You".
I am pointing down few things I learnt during these 3 hours of calmness and turmoil. I barely remember much but here are they:
I Fear, I Tremble and I am Weak: I took a round of the park twice. While walking, the track felt like a descending path into the darkness. I saw two shadows moving towards with me. The only thought I had was that its the end of me today. I will be killed. Murder! Murder! I wanted to scream. Dont kill me please! I couldnt. They passed by. It was a couple - a husband wife duo having a post dinner walk possibly. As they passed, another one came. I feared life again. "This time I would be killed definitely". I was shaking. Nothing happened.
Two pet dogs let loose by their owners had surrounded me. I dint move. I just trembled standing still. I was certain they will bite me. They never did.
Half a kid, less of a boy, never a Man: I called people. One. two. three. May be six. Nobody picked up my call. I had to go somewhere else but I was helpless. I had no body - neither my own nor a person alongside - as if I was still lying as an embryo in my mother's womb. Helpless. Waiting. I failed to be a man, think like a man and behave like a man. I wasnt even a boy. I am an unborn 26 year old. Dead before death.
Full of Hate, Vying Revenge: As souls began appearing on road, metro station and coach, I felt killing some and hitting some. A power urged me to hit or kill. When they came close, I could not move. Once they passed by, feelings revived again.
I vomited, drooped, moved waywardly but didn't allowed myself to fall. Somehow I continued the tryst with me. It was a necessity. I needed to know who I am. I am a lie. A lie to myself but truthful to others. Several times I tried to grow but failed. At times when boys of my age discuss insurance plans, investment schemes and future, I ignored and escaped. At times when boys my age discuss career, marriages and children, I discussed cricket and cartoons. At times when boys my age are men, I descended to being an unborn kid.
I have woken up today. I will change this all. If not, I will die trying. I need a life for myself. It should be me. One. United. Me.
Comments
Post a Comment