Lost....and further lost

Its not that I havent tried to know the purpose of my life, I just never found an answer. I feel peaceful when everything settles down, then a storm comes and spoils it all. I was settled where I was in my previous company, but a phone call from my best friend brought mess into my life. I saw, thought a little, ended it all. Now again I feel delusional. Why m I like that? Why I have to be like that? 

I walk and run without a direction, aimless. This beautiful girl who walked into my life has so many expectations from me, but those include question marks too. My mother, same story. I guess the term “The Wanderer” given by me to myself stands true. But its injuring. I am not sure what I am like, a human or an animal. May be neither of these. 

Humans have emotions, have a sense of determination, motivation and inspiration. I have torn my hair trying to understand what it is like. Never got through. They tell stories of their aims, their hardships and how they overcame there hardships. Their life becomes so smooth after that. Mine, I am just like a ball. Hit there I am somewhere, hit me from that somewhere and I land somewhere else. I just look for positives of anything and fall, and I die everyday. 

Animals, they don’t show emotions. But they instill fear. I don’t even do that. I can hardly debate with anyone. I feel like I should kill, hunt down whats causing me trouble. Whoever stands by my way needs to be killed. But what is my way, I don’t even know that. I feel like pouncing, hunting and tearing. Would it change anything? I cant even be the real life Dexter . Even a serial killer like him has a career, a good job though a rented home. But my question is still there, why m I living? I should be dead by now.

I hardly have any observation skills. I don’t find right words to speak. I am always blamed I am kiddish in nature and that I never grew up. I feel m living the last stage of my life, that is, I am an old man. Kids are innocent, I am ignorant. My little pleasures of life- travel, a camera or guitar don’t even seem to take me somewhere. I don’t know what future is, past always eats me and the present where I try to live wont let me live with it.

Close to dead. I am closed, boxed, blacked and restricted. I am not me.... I ...who am I??