Local Train aka E.M.U. aka Shuttle
I took this pic long time ago and just modified it to express my feelings |
The best part of it is that it costs me INR 4 to travel to New Delhi from Faridabad. It means $ = (4 divided by 46),which intelligent people reading this can calculate by themselves. Nobody beats that price, and I mean nobody.. Nobody is perfect mind you, and Railways is nobody either. Lets come back. There is a quotation that says "रेलवे आपकी अपनी संपत्ति है" So, we The-Law-Abiding-Duty Chiding -Indians can travel without tickets, after all, its our own property..Eh?? So people hardly care to stand in those longer-than-Anaconda queues with a slower-than-Vajpayee ticket vendor. Fun is Free, Waiting is not. Now, thanks to Railways, there is a Ticket Vending Machine at every station. Its a very good idea as it saves a lot of time instead of waiting in queues.Lets see how we adapt to the machine.Or, in another sense, how the machine adapts to us.Whichever way because I find it deserted, ditched or ignored in every station. Lolz.
I have travelled in possibly every corner of the local train , not that I like it, but I am always pushed in corners. Now I am so habitual that I wonder when nobody is pushing me into a side.It virtually seems Haryanvis and Delhiites just learnt etiquettes. I have come through all the possible shapes and sizes of human beings spread around the world, have got my Italian shoes downgraded and cleaned up by every shoe that passes me by, smelled foulest of the foul smells that crop up from under arms and butts and have heard farts 10x times more decibel-ed than the Train's horn itself.
Noises are the most liveliest part of these trains. After all, they are a lifeline for the lakhs of commuters who have to travel to Delhi because they do not get good Jobs, Monuments and McDonald's in far away regions of Haryana and UP. One can probably learn the most sweetest (sulk), soothing (yuck) and SLAP-IN-YOUR-FACE language that is simply known as Haryanvi. Sometimes Punjabis assimilate, become dictators and launch attacks upon every co-passenger that doesnt knows Punjabi. And the omnipresent BIHARI is always stuck on finding a reason to talk of nothing except Bihar. Wait Wait its not over yet. If you're thinking Local Trains are fir-for-downtrodden, cramped-with-dehatis and government officers daily transport, you are wrong buddy. Its time when you hear The Univeral (imposed) Language , The Language known by the owner of this blog and the language known by the reader of this post , English.
Yeah English, spoken exceptionally well in the wooden made back stiffening seats of Local Trains, is here my friend. The speakers are less diversified though because these travelers who show off their English skills are usually over 65 year old uncles who always want to tell people that they are different than the crowd travelling with them. And the listeners arent diversified either, they are the young boys like me who always have to get lectures on
"Your costly cellphone is a waste"
"I love trains"
"India : Our Time Your Time"
"Songs : Our Time Your Time"
"I went on a phoren trip"
"My son lives abroad"
"You are not educated well"
"MBA is a crap" ( I know it uncle!!)
Okay, so now we will discuss how is a local train a source of entertainment and amusement with such an enthusiastic crowd that travels together and justifies the phrase "UNITY IN DIVERSITY". Well, if you know CARDS, you are BLESSED. There are brave men who will just stand and play cards, there are lucky men who find a seat and play cards and there are luxury loving men who will sit on the floor of the train and play cards.Men will be men, types will be ten. I have been offered to play, hearing my negative answers, I have been made fun of. The only reason I stay quite is because I hate those embroidered jeans wearing-odd colored t shirt hurling-Haryanvi boys. They speak so foul that you start praying something happens so that they can enjoy their life with dinosaurs, EXTINCT is the word.
Well, here are Dos and Donts, without any hidden meaning ;
- Never carry your Guitar in a local train, 50% would mistake it to be a Sitar, thereby insulting the instrument a Girl goes mad for. 25% just would keep wondering whats inside the cover. Rest 25% would start blabbing about their own taste of music.
- Traveling while hanging outside is a STUNT, I am proud to be an experienced STUNTMAN with an exp of 5 years but cant put it on my CV.
- Stop watching Khatro K Khiladi , they are cheap moves and not stunts. And no women travels hanging outside.
- There is respect for each other's family in every coach. People love to talk about each other's Maa and Behen, without paying heed to a child or a woman traveling alongside.
- Do not use Deodorants.They are rendered useless after 10 mins of travel.
- The moment you smell something foul, you will suspect yourself. All the faces around look innocent.
- Some days later, you will forget your own smell anyway.
- If you like Chinese phones and songs of 1990s (such as Aisi deewangi dekhi nai kahi), Local Trains are a heaven for you.
- Never mind when a Rajdhani or even a goods train passes by, the driver wont hear your abuses.
- The "SMOKING is PROHIBITED" board is too small and can be ignored.
- A costly Cell phone should be restricted to pockets. Otherwise, 100 people will gather around to call it a Chinese phone and say their children play with it.
- Passengers do not know what an ANDROID PHONE means.
- Do not whine if u find a person sleeping on the slot meant to keep bags.
- Forget that you can find a girl in the compartment. Beautiful girls do come unexpected, but along with their "see-her-and-I-will-eat-you" Fathers.
- You cant hear Linkin Park even through your headphones because every compartment has a HARE RAMA HARE KRISHNA singing-drum beating-Band which is called कीर्तन मंडली in Hindi.
- Words like F***, A** Hole, S*** do not leave an impact.
- Get off the train swiftly, the others coming in would wait for none to come down. They would, instead, abuse you for not being quick.
- Beedi's suck.
- Our Railway Ministers SUCK, Big Time.....all of them.
Lets end the fiesta here. I have enjoyed this overall 5 years journey. Someday this would change. Right now, I am not so excited, someday maybe yes. But, I am a little happy becoz I had forgotten to use this little humor spitting language of mine...Game is On...Always...Lets make fun!!
Dude...it remind me my graduation dayz... totally a truth... u should write a documntry called... " E.M.U. Travels" :)
ReplyDeletehahaha..very nice vikas... now i knw why u always say"college ana musbit hai " ... :)
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